MOSCOW — The Kremlin today unveiled plans for a sweeping "Special Historical Operation," a nationwide initiative designed to retroactively adjust the public's perception of the past four years. The ambitious project, spearheaded by the newly formed Ministry of Coherent Narratives, seeks to ensure that all historical accounts perfectly align with the current government-approved version of events.

"It's not about changing history, it's about optimizing it for maximum patriotic resonance," stated Dr. Anatoly Volkov, head of the Ministry's Department of Temporal Alignment. "Think of it as a national memory upgrade. We're simply removing the unnecessary clutter and enhancing the key performance indicators of our glorious past."

The operation will involve a comprehensive review of all public records, media archives, and personal recollections, with a particular focus on the period following February 2022. Citizens are encouraged to report any discrepancies between their personal memories and official state broadcasts, with a new hotline established for "memory recalibration assistance."

"Some people may experience temporary cognitive dissonance, but that's a normal part of the process," assured Dr. Volkov. "We anticipate full historical consensus by next Tuesday, just in time for the next round of celebratory parades."

Analysts suggest the move is a proactive measure to prevent any future inconvenient truths from emerging, ensuring that the past remains as malleable as the present. The Ministry also hinted at future operations targeting the last century, promising a history so clean, you could eat off it.