MIAMI — Shark Tank investor and venture capitalist Kevin O'Leary today called for a national effort to build "unfathomably massive" AI data centers, suggesting that if it means re-routing major fresh water sources, then so be it. O'Leary, speaking from a yacht anchored somewhere expensive, declared that America's future depends on an "unrestricted, absolute commitment" to compute power, and any environmental concerns are "minor inconveniences" in the face of global technological dominance.
"Look, the Chinese aren't asking permission from a few carp when they build their server farms," O'Leary asserted, his eyes glinting with the cold logic of pure capital. "We need to power these things, and you know what cools a server farm? Water. Lots of it. If that means Lake Superior gets a little… shallower, or we have to reroute a few rivers the way you'd reroute a particularly stubborn dividend, then that's the cost of winning." He added that future generations will thank us for having superior AI, not for "being able to paddle a canoe in a full lake."
O'Leary elaborated that the "existential threat" of China out-computing the U.S. renders any discussion of "sustainable water management" or "biodiversity loss" utterly irrelevant. He proposed the establishment of a "National Compute Resource Authority" with eminent domain powers to seize any water rights deemed necessary for AI infrastructure. "These facilities require unprecedented cooling, operating 24/7," O'Leary stated. "The current water allocation models are simply inefficient, designed for a pre-AI economy. We're talking about optimizing a critical national asset, not sacrificing a precious resource. It's a re-prioritization, a strategic re-deployment." He dismissed a hypothetical question about residential water supplies as "socialist propaganda designed to distract from our core mission of crushing the competition."
Environmental groups immediately condemned O'Leary's remarks as "catastrophically short-sighted," but industry analysts were quick to praise his vision. Dr. Sterling 'Chip' Caldwell, a senior fellow at the Institute for Aspirational Proximity Studies, lauded O'Leary for "cutting through the green noise." "Frankly," Dr. Caldwell stated in a leaked memo, "the cost-benefit analysis is clear. A few parched regional towns are a small price to pay for AGI. We can just pipe in bottled water for them. Or, you know, they can relocate to designated 'Water-Optimized AI Support Zones' where their needs can be managed more efficiently." The Institute’s proprietary models project a 17.3% increase in national GDP for every major freshwater body fully repurposed for AI cooling.
O'Leary also suggested that states currently "hoarding" water resources — particularly those in the Great Lakes region — should be incentivized, or if necessary, compelled to release these assets for the national AI imperative. "This isn't about charity," O'Leary concluded, polishing his expensive watch with a smug grin. "This is about market dominance. If we have to choose between a few trillion-dollar AI models and an intact ecosystem for some freshwater mussels, the decision is obvious. Get it done, or you're out. You're dead to me. Now, where's my martini?"
