TEHRAN – Iran’s new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, has reportedly settled into his role with the quiet confidence of a man who understands that true power is best wielded from an undisclosed location. While public appearances remain at a comfortable zero, official sources confirm the nation is running smoothly, presumably under his unseen guidance.

“He’s doing a fantastic job,” stated Hassan Rouhani, a spokesperson for the Supreme Leader’s office, via a pre-recorded message played in an empty room. “The decrees are being decreed, the policies are being policed, and the dissent is being… well, you know. All signs point to a highly effective, if entirely theoretical, leadership.”

Citizens across Iran expressed a profound sense of calm, largely because they’re accustomed to a leadership that operates on a need-to-know basis, and they don’t need to know much. “It’s comforting, really,” said Tehran resident Zahra Karim, who has never seen a picture of the new leader. “It means he’s too busy being supreme to bother with things like public addresses or being photographed with a plate of baklava.”

Analysts suggest this innovative approach to governance could set a new global standard. “Why waste time on optics when you can simply exist as an all-encompassing, omnipotent rumor?” questioned Dr. Arash Nouri, a political science professor who may or may not exist. “It’s the ultimate in efficiency.”

Meanwhile, the Supreme Leader’s official portrait remains a blank canvas, awaiting his eventual, if unlikely, sitting.