MILANO-CORTINA — The International Paralympic Committee (IPC) today declared the Milano-Cortina Winter Paralympics a resounding success, citing the triumphant return of 'sporting unity' and a 'celebration of the human spirit,' even as Ukraine boycotted the closing ceremony in protest of Russia's readmission.

“We believe sport transcends politics,” stated IPC spokesperson, Dr. Anya Sharma, through a meticulously crafted press release. “Our commitment is to provide a platform for all athletes, regardless of, you know, *external circumstances* that might be impacting some of them more directly than others. It’s about the joy of competition, not the geopolitical realities that make some athletes feel unsafe competing alongside aggressors.”

The Games, which saw the Russian flag and national anthem prominently displayed once more, were lauded by organizers for fostering an 'inclusive atmosphere,' a sentiment not entirely shared by the Ukrainian delegation, who opted to spend the closing ceremony in quiet contemplation, presumably about the ongoing invasion of their homeland.

“It’s a delicate balance,” explained IPC ethics committee chair, Lord Bartholomew Finch-Hatton, speaking from his chalet overlooking the Alps. “On one hand, we have the principle of universal participation. On the other, we have, well, *some* nations feeling rather strongly about *other* nations. We found the most equitable solution was to simply ignore the latter until it went away, or at least until the cameras were off.”

Critics noted that the IPC's definition of 'unity' appeared to involve one party being forced to leave the room for the other to feel comfortable. The committee, however, maintained that the absence of Ukraine merely highlighted their dedication to ensuring 'everyone who wanted to be there, was there,' provided they weren't actively protesting the presence of another nation.