A landmark international scientific expedition has finally explained why the earth's crust acts like, well, the earth's crust, particularly during a seismic event. After drilling deeper into the Pacific Ocean floor than ever before, researchers from the International Institute for Obvious Geological Phenomena (IIOGP) revealed a crucial insight this week: sometimes, the ground gets slippery.
The 'ancient clay' layer, which scientists have affectionately dubbed 'Nature's Banana Peel,' reportedly allowed the 2011 Tohoku earthquake rupture to spread 'like butter on a hot skillet' all the way to the seafloor, resulting in catastrophic displacement and a really big wave. Dr. Brenda 'The Rock' Johnson, lead geologist for the project, explained the findings to a visibly stunned press corps. 'For years, we scientists, with our fancy degrees and billions in equipment, scratched our heads, utterly bewildered as to why a massive tectonic plate collision under the ocean might cause the ground to move unusually fast,' Johnson stated, adjusting her safety goggles. 'Now, thanks to trillions of dollars and a highly advanced drill that can reach the earth's core if we’re not careful, we know it was… a slick surface. Honestly, who could’ve predicted such a thing?'
The discovery, published in the prestigious journal *Geological Duh!*, has prompted calls for further research into other potentially 'slippery' surfaces. Funding has already been secured for a project investigating why water makes things wet, another to determine if gravity does, in fact, pull things down, and a third to conclusively prove the sun rises in the east. Critics, however, including Dr. Elias Thorne of the Institute for Basic Earth Knowledge, pointed out that the existence of tectonic plates and their tendency to collide at fault lines has been common knowledge since grade school.
Local residents near vulnerable coastlines expressed immense gratitude for the breakthrough. 'I always wondered why my beachfront property shook during an earthquake, causing a 50-foot wave to level everything I owned,' said Kenji Tanaka, a fisherman from Sendai, wiping a tear. 'Now I know it wasn't the planet doing planet things, or me building on a literal fault line, but a really old, really thin layer of mud. I feel much safer having this critical, expensive information that changes absolutely nothing about my circumstances.'
Meanwhile, global efforts to maybe not build entire cities on known subduction zones remain on indefinite hold, pending the results of a new study on whether concrete structures can float.
