Financial markets across the globe ground to a standstill Tuesday as analysts, heads of state, and billions of terrified citizens fixated on the NCAA Baseball Championship Game 2 between Tennessee and VCU. With the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, trading ceased on all major exchanges, international diplomacy froze, and vital infrastructure operations were put on hold, all pending the outcome of a single college at-bat. Experts declared the future of human civilization hung precariously on the performance of a 20-year-old designated hitter.
"This is it. This is literally the most pivotal moment since the Big Bang," stated Dr. Kendra Thorne, Chief Global Risk Assessor for the World Futures Institute, speaking from a secure bunker beneath Geneva. "Our predictive models indicate a VCU walk-off could usher in an era of unprecedented global peace and prosperity, solving climate change and eradicating all known diseases. Conversely, a Tennessee win by even one run threatens to unravel the very fabric of spacetime, plunging us into a multi-dimensional dark age where TikTok reigns supreme and everyone has to listen to 'Baby Shark' forever." Her team was monitoring every pitch with quantum supercomputers linked directly to the NASDAQ.
Governments worldwide issued emergency advisories. France declared a national day of prayer, urging citizens to light candles for the batter's hand-eye coordination. North Korea reportedly repositioned its intercontinental ballistic missiles, ready to launch them directly at the losing team's dugout. In Silicon Valley, tech billionaires furiously funded projects attempting to upload humanity's collective consciousness to the cloud in case of an unfavorable outcome, planning to restart society from a backup server if necessary. Fans in attendance, unaware of the actual stakes, merely booed bad calls and cheered home runs, occasionally spilling a $12 beer.
"Honestly, I just really need to get on base here," commented VCU's clean-up hitter, Chad "The Hammer" Harrison, during a mid-inning interview. "Coach said if I connect, he might let me start next season. Plus, my mom's watching, and she said if I strike out again, she's cutting off my Netflix." His comments sent shockwaves through the UN General Assembly, where delegates interpreted his Netflix remark as a cryptic warning about the impending collapse of global streaming services.
As the first pitch of the bottom of the ninth left the pitcher's hand, billions held their breath, praying for a home run, peace, and the continued existence of reality, while the NCAA issued a stern reminder that all championship game tickets are non-refundable, regardless of civilizational collapse.
