PARIS — The French government has unveiled a groundbreaking new policy designed to combat national ennui, officially mandating a minimum number of leisure hours per week for all citizens. Under the 'Loi sur le Bonheur Obligatoire' (Mandatory Happiness Law), adults failing to demonstrate adequate participation in cultural, recreational, or culinary pursuits will face escalating penalties, including 're-education' sessions on the finer points of existential enjoyment.

“For too long, the French people have been allowed to wallow in their own existential dread without proper governmental oversight,” stated Minister of National Spirit, Céleste Dubois, at a press conference held during a mandatory 3-hour lunch break. “This initiative ensures that every citizen contributes to the collective joy, whether they like it or not. We are simply formalizing what it means to be truly, deeply French.”

Initial reports suggest that citizens will be required to log their leisure activities via a new government app, 'La Vie En Rose,' which features pre-approved categories such as 'strolling aimlessly,' 'debating philosophy over wine,' and 'perfecting the art of the dramatic sigh.' Critics argue the move is an overreach, but proponents, mostly government-appointed 'Happiness Facilitators,' insist it's a necessary step to preserve the nation's cultural identity.

One Parisian, Jean-Pierre Dubois (no relation), was quoted saying, “I used to enjoy my afternoons, but now I feel like I’m being graded on my ability to relax. It’s exhausting.” The government, however, remains steadfast, reminding citizens that true freedom is knowing exactly how to spend your mandated free time.