MIAMI, FL – Ivanna Lisette Ortiz, 35, the Florida woman accused of attempted murder in connection with a shooting incident involving pop icon Rihanna, has been granted a $10.2 million bail, a figure experts say is roughly equivalent to the cost of a small, unpopulated island or a particularly ambitious, yet ultimately doomed, music festival.

Prosecutors stated the unprecedented sum was meticulously calculated to ensure Ortiz, who has a prior arrest record, would remain detained unless she could somehow convince several venture capitalists to invest in her immediate freedom. “We believe this amount strikes the perfect balance between justice and the undeniable allure of a celebrity-adjacent scandal,” explained Assistant District Attorney Brenda Chen. “It’s high enough to be prohibitive, but just low enough to make you wonder if a GoFundMe for a ‘Rihanna-adjacent incident defense fund’ might actually gain traction for a few hours.”

Financial analysts suggest Ortiz’s best bet might be to launch a cryptocurrency, sell exclusive NFTs of her mugshot, or perhaps secure a lucrative endorsement deal with a brand specializing in high-end ankle monitors. “At $10.2 million, you’re not just looking for a loan; you’re looking for a patron of the arts, or at least a very bored billionaire,” commented Dr. Arthur P. Finch, a professor of theoretical economics. “She’d need to monetize the sheer spectacle of her situation.”

Ortiz’s legal team has reportedly begun exploring options, including a potential partnership with a reality television production company, as the only viable path to securing her release now involves generating more buzz than the incident itself.