TALLAHASSEE, FL — Florida state legislators have announced a groundbreaking strategy to ensure the long-term health of the state's iconic springs: a comprehensive redefinition of the term 'protected.' The new bill, expected to sail through both chambers, would legally categorize any body of water that still technically exists, regardless of its ecological state, as 'protected,' thereby eliminating the need for further intervention.

“For too long, we’ve been bogged down by the messy, expensive business of actual protection,” stated State Senator Skip Waters (R-Gainesville), unveiling a pristine, untouched bottle of spring water as a prop. “This legislation cuts through the red tape. If it’s still wet, it’s protected. Problem solved. We’re simply acknowledging the springs' inherent resilience, even if that resilience now involves a vibrant algae bloom and fewer manatees.”

Environmental activist Dr. Anya Stream, from the 'Friends of Murky Water' advocacy group, expressed cautious optimism. “While we initially advocated for things like reducing pollution and limiting overdevelopment, we understand that sometimes the most effective solution is to simply declare victory,” she conceded, wiping a tear that may or may not have been from a nearby chemical odor. “It's certainly a path we hadn't considered.”

The bill also includes provisions for a new state slogan: 'Florida: Where Our Springs Are So Protected, They Don't Even Need Protecting Anymore.'