ZURICH – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the deeply patriarchal world of international football, FIFA officially announced this week that women's teams will now be required to include at least one female head coach or assistant coach. The decision, hailed by some as a “long-overdue acknowledgment of reality,” has reportedly baffled many within the organization who had spent decades under the impression that only men possessed the mysterious biological components necessary for strategic leadership.

“We understand this is a radical departure from traditional thinking,” stated FIFA spokesperson, Lars Kvist, adjusting his tie. “For generations, it was widely accepted that the complex tactical nuances of the beautiful game could only be deciphered by individuals who, shall we say, did not require a separate changing room. Our extensive, multi-year study, however, revealed that women are, in fact, capable of issuing instructions, analyzing plays, and even, dare I say, motivating other women.”

The new regulation applies to all FIFA women's tournaments, prompting a frantic search across the globe for qualified female coaches. Critics suggest the sudden mandate might create a scarcity, but FIFA remains optimistic. “We anticipate a surge in ‘discovery’ of these previously overlooked individuals,” Kvist added. “It’s like finding out half the world’s population can also operate a spreadsheet. Who knew?”

Industry insiders whisper that the decision came after a particularly embarrassing incident where a male coach attempted to explain offside rules using only grunts and interpretive dance, leading to a 0-0 draw against a team of actual interpretive dancers. The mandate is expected to usher in a new era of, at minimum, coherent communication on the sidelines.

Meanwhile, sources confirm FIFA is already commissioning a follow-up study to determine if women are also capable of managing team finances without immediately purchasing a new handbag.