NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent ripples of mild panic through the nation’s closets, the Global Fashion Index (GFI) has formally redefined the term 'classic' to denote any garment or accessory that has maintained relevance for approximately three days. This radical shift comes amidst growing consensus among 'fashion girls' that the traditional trench coat, once considered timeless, is now an embarrassing historical artifact.

“We simply couldn’t ignore the data,” stated GFI spokesperson, Dr. Vivienne Trendsetter, from beneath a meticulously draped scarf that will be obsolete by lunch. “Our algorithms show a clear pattern: what was ‘in’ on Monday is ‘out’ by Thursday. Therefore, to save consumers the emotional distress of clinging to outdated notions of permanence, we’ve adjusted our lexicon.”

The move is expected to streamline purchasing decisions for millions, allowing them to discard perfectly functional items with greater moral clarity. “My grandmother’s pearls? Practically prehistoric,” commented influencer Skylar Voguish, 23, while unboxing her third 'timeless staple' of the week. “It’s about staying current, you know? Like, if it’s been in your wardrobe for more than a few TikTok cycles, it’s basically an antique.”

Industry analysts predict a significant boom in fast fashion and landfill expansion. Meanwhile, historians are reportedly scrambling to document current trends before they vanish into the ephemeral ether of 'what was cool for a hot minute.'