GLOBAL — In a landmark display of ideological efficiency, an international coalition of far-right movements today announced a comprehensive new program, "Project Homeward Bound 2.0," designed to implement "human factory resets" on a national scale. Proponents claim the initiative will streamline cultural identity by re-routing populations deemed "divergent" or "historically misfiled" back to their "original configurations."
"We’re simply applying market logic to national integrity," explained Augustus "Gus" Sterling, CEO of Ethno-Logistics Solutions, the private firm contracted to oversee the global effort. "Think of it as a massive, systematic product recall. If a product isn't performing to original specifications, or if it was manufactured in the wrong location, you send it back. Why should humans be any different?" Sterling, speaking from a heavily secured bunker, dismissed concerns over logistics, stating his firm’s "proprietary blockchain-enabled ancestral tracking system" could pinpoint anyone's "true point of origin" with 99.7% accuracy, even if their ancestors last saw it 400 years ago.
The "Homeward Bound" protocol includes several phases, beginning with "Voluntary Re-Orientation Consultations" for individuals who "don't quite fit the national palette." These consultations, described as "rigorously empathetic," aim to help individuals self-identify their optimal ancestral quadrant. Those who decline the "voluntary" option will proceed to "Assisted Re-Settlement Pathways," which Sterling assured were "dignified, one-way travel packages" to predetermined "cultural alignment zones." He noted that early modeling showed "significant reductions in social friction metrics" once diverse populations were "re-sorted" into more homogeneous blocs.
Critics, predictably labeled "diversity-hoarders" and "unpatriotic complexity fetishists" by Sterling, pointed to the inherent inhumanity of treating people as inanimate objects. "This isn't about hate; it's about efficient governance," countered Dr. Svetlana Petrov, lead demographer for the project. "We're not removing people; we're just re-categorizing them according to their optimal national database entry. It's like updating an obsolete operating system. A little disruption for a lot of long-term stability." Petrov added that specialized "cultural reclamation camps" would be established at destination points to "expedite the re-learning of forgotten ancestral ways," complete with mandatory folk dancing and traditional costume workshops.
The initiative is expected to fully launch next fiscal quarter, with pilot programs already underway, quietly identifying those who most urgently require a hard reboot before their national software crashes entirely.
