EU Report Confirms Shocking Finding: Citizens Dislike Being Owned by Foreign Tech

BRUSSELS – In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent ripples through the European bureaucracy, a newly released study commissioned by the European Union has conclusively proven that its citizens would, given the choice, prefer not to be entirely reliant on technology controlled by foreign entities. The exhaustive year-long report, titled "Are We There Yet? An Inquiry Into Digital Autonomy," found that a staggering 99.8% of respondents expressed a preference for not having their digital lives dictated by corporations based thousands of miles away.

The findings, published by the newly established "Institute for Obvious European Sentiment Studies" (IOESS), come after extensive polling, focus groups, and a series of interpretive dance workshops designed to elicit Europeans' true feelings on the matter. "We suspected as much, but to see it in hard data is truly humbling," stated Dr. Agnes Vermeil, lead researcher for the IOESS, visibly moved during a press conference. "It turns out, people don't particularly enjoy having their data vacuumed up, their local businesses outcompeted, or their children's brains rewired by algorithms they can neither understand nor influence, all for the convenience of a free app."

The study specifically highlighted concerns about personal privacy, geopolitical leverage, and the sheer existential dread of having one’s entire economy hostage to companies whose primary allegiance is to quarterly earnings calls and not, say, the structural integrity of European democracy. One focus group participant, identified only as "Brigitte from Lyon," reportedly summarized the sentiment: "It's like asking if I enjoy having a stranger read my diary while simultaneously selling my grandmother's recipe for bouillabaisse to a competitor. No, Jacques, I do not."

EU officials, still reeling from the "unexpected" clarity of the report, have vowed swift action. Plans are already underway to commission a follow-up study, potentially titled "Do Europeans Also Prefer Sunshine to Rain? A Deep Dive Into Meteorological Preferences," with preliminary estimates for its budget already surpassing the GDP of several member states.

The bloc hopes this new data will inform future policy decisions, assuming they can figure out how to upload the findings to a non-American cloud server without accidentally agreeing to new terms and conditions.