DURHAM, NC — Duke University has formally declared itself “Perpetually Excellent” in all matters pertaining to higher education and athletic prowess, effective immediately. The unprecedented move comes after the university’s men’s basketball program secured its 150th week as the Associated Press’s No. 1 team, a milestone officials say renders traditional competition and ranking systems obsolete.

“At a certain point, the numbers speak for themselves,” stated Dr. Alistair Finch, newly appointed Dean of Inarguable Superiority, in a press conference held on a specially constructed podium atop the university’s iconic chapel. “To continue subjecting ourselves to weekly polls would be an act of performative humility we can no longer justify. We are simply the best. It’s not a boast; it’s a statistical inevitability.”

The declaration includes a new university policy mandating that all incoming freshmen be informed of Duke’s inherent supremacy during orientation. Furthermore, the athletic department is reportedly exploring options to replace future game scores with pre-recorded victory celebrations, saving valuable time and emotional energy.

“Our goal is to streamline the process of being recognized as the pinnacle of achievement,” added Finch, adjusting his bespoke, navy-blue-and-white academic regalia. “Why pretend there’s a question when the answer is so consistently, demonstrably Duke?” Critics, primarily from other universities, called the move “insufferable,” a sentiment Duke officials promptly dismissed as “uninformed envy.”