CHICAGO, IL – DePaul University announced today a historic contract extension for Athletic Director DeWayne Peevy, securing his tenure through the year 2077. The unprecedented 53-year deal reportedly includes several performance bonuses tied to maintaining the athletic department’s current competitive standing, which sources close to the negotiations described as “comfortably unremarkable.”

“DeWayne has demonstrated an unparalleled dedication to ensuring our athletic programs remain exactly where they are: not bad enough to fire anyone, but never good enough to cause undue excitement,” stated university President Ainsley Whitmore in a press conference that concluded with a polite, but unenthusiastic, round of applause. “His vision for DePaul sports is one of stable, predictable outcomes, free from the wild swings of success or failure that plague other institutions.”

Critics, often referred to as “fans” by other universities, have pointed to the men’s basketball team’s recent 3-29 season as a potential area for concern. However, university officials dismissed these observations as “short-sighted.” Dr. Evelyn Hayes, a tenured professor of Organizational Stasis, noted, “Mr. Peevy’s true genius lies in his ability to cultivate an environment where a 3-29 record isn’t a crisis, but rather a data point in a long-term trend of ‘being DePaul.’ It’s a masterclass in managing expectations downwards.”

Peevy himself, reached for comment via a pre-recorded statement, expressed gratitude. “I look forward to many more decades of building a program that truly reflects the spirit of DePaul: present, accounted for, and not making too much noise.”

The university confirmed that the contract also includes a clause for a potential extension through 2100, should Peevy successfully navigate the athletic department through the inevitable robot uprising without accidentally winning a championship.