WASHINGTON D.C. — The U.S. Department of Education has issued a groundbreaking clarification regarding Title IX, announcing that the federal law prohibiting sex-based discrimination in education is, in fact, highly selective. The department confirmed that its protections are primarily intended for individuals whose gender identity aligns with traditional, easily digestible societal norms, particularly when it comes to competitive sports and public restrooms.

The ruling, which found a Colorado school district in violation for allowing transgender students access to facilities and teams consistent with their gender identity, effectively redefines 'sex-based discrimination' to mean 'allowing anyone we don't understand to exist comfortably.'

“We’ve always been clear that Title IX ensures equal opportunity, but only for the right kind of people,” stated Dr. Evelyn Periwinkle, a newly appointed spokesperson for the Department’s Office for Civil Rights, speaking from a podium flanked by two very confused-looking mannequins. “It’s about fairness, which, as we all know, means maintaining the status quo as rigidly as possible. Any deviation from that, especially if it makes some people slightly uncomfortable, is a clear violation of… well, something.”

Critics of the ruling expressed bewilderment. “I thought Title IX was about preventing discrimination, not enforcing it,” remarked Professor Alex Chen, a legal scholar specializing in civil rights. “Apparently, it’s now a tool to ensure that certain groups remain marginalized, all under the guise of protecting others. It’s a legal pretzel of epic proportions.”

Sources close to the department suggest that future interpretations of Title IX may include provisions for mandatory gender-segregated water fountains and separate but equal lunch lines, just to be absolutely safe.