WASHINGTON D.C. – Former FBI Special Agent Joaquin Garcia, fresh off a Distinguished Service Award for his unparalleled undercover work against the Mafia, cartels, and Russian syndicates, has admitted that the most terrifying prospect he faces is navigating his federal pension and healthcare benefits.

“Look, I’ve stared down cartel enforcers with machetes, negotiated with mob bosses over concrete shoes, and even shared borscht with a few oligarchs,” Garcia stated in an exclusive interview from his newly purchased, moderately-sized suburban home. “But trying to decipher the difference between a PPO and an HMO, and then calculating my annuity options? That’s pure, unadulterated terror. It makes a drug lord’s death threat feel like a warm hug.”

Sources close to Garcia confirm that his post-retirement anxiety has manifested in several new, less-than-covert behaviors, including muttering about “vesting periods” during grocery runs and developing a complex flowchart to understand his dental coverage. “He’s been trying to get an appointment with a benefits counselor for weeks,” said a former colleague, Agent Brenda 'The Hammer' Harrison. “He says the hold music is more psychologically damaging than any interrogation he ever endured.”

Garcia, who once single-handedly dismantled a multi-billion-dollar money laundering operation, reportedly spent three hours on hold with the Office of Personnel Management this morning, only to be disconnected. He is now considering going back undercover, but only if it involves a stable 401k match.