LONDON – Following their decisive victory over nine-man AEK Larnaca in the Conference League, Crystal Palace FC has formally requested that all future opponents be required to field fewer players, citing a desire for “more competitive and equitable matches.” The club’s management believes that starting with a numerical advantage is the only way to truly test their squad’s mettle.

“Frankly, playing against eleven men is often just… too much,” stated Palace CEO, Steve Parish, in a leaked internal memo. “The sheer volume of bodies on the pitch makes it difficult for our lads to express themselves. We saw against Larnaca how much more fluid and exciting the game became once they were down to nine. That’s the kind of football fans deserve.”

The proposal, which has been submitted to UEFA, suggests a sliding scale based on the opponent’s perceived strength, with weaker teams potentially starting with as few as seven players. A spokesperson for the club, who wished to remain anonymous, elaborated, “It’s about competitive balance. If a team is objectively better, they should be handicapped. It’s like golf, but instead of strokes, you remove human beings.”

Critics have called the move unsportsmanlike, but Palace maintains it’s a bold step towards innovation. “We’re just trying to push the boundaries of what’s possible in football,” Parish’s memo continued. “And if that means ensuring our path to victory is slightly less obstructed, then so be it.”

The club is reportedly already scouting opponents for their 'numerical disadvantage' potential.