WASHINGTON D.C. — Congressional leaders have issued a stern demand for a full investigation into the recent missile attack on a girls' school in Tehran, emphasizing the critical importance of understanding global security threats. This urgent call comes as the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) quietly continues its operations on a series of promissory notes and good intentions, having failed to secure concrete funding.

“It is absolutely paramount that we get to the bottom of what happened in Tehran,” stated Representative Eleanor Vance (D-CA), chair of the House Committee on International Affairs, from a podium flanked by several unfunded federal agents. “The world needs answers, and America will lead the charge in demanding accountability for such reprehensible acts.”

Meanwhile, DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, seen attempting to pay for office supplies with a laminated 'IOU' card, acknowledged the agency’s unique fiscal situation. “We are operating with unprecedented levels of… flexibility,” Mayorkas told reporters, gesturing vaguely at a whiteboard where 'budget' was written in crayon. “Our dedicated personnel are performing admirably, often fueled by the sheer moral outrage of their unfunded status.”

Experts suggest the dual focus highlights a sophisticated legislative strategy: perfect clarity on foreign affairs, while domestic issues are allowed to develop into more interesting, and therefore more fundable, crises. “It’s a classic move,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, a political science professor at Georgetown, whose own department recently lost its coffee budget. “Why fund a solution when you can fund an inquiry into a problem that’s already happened somewhere else?”

Sources close to the appropriations committee confirmed that securing funding for DHS is currently ranked just below 'renaming the Capitol cafeteria' and 'debating the optimal thread count for congressional drapes' on the legislative agenda.