WASHINGTON D.C. — CMA Technology, in a groundbreaking partnership with Rivada, has unveiled plans for a revolutionary new satellite internet constellation that promises unhackable security by leveraging technology from the late 20th century. The 'Orbital Anachronism' network will reportedly only be accessible via 56k dial-up modems, effectively rendering it impervious to contemporary cyber threats.

“We’ve cracked the code on cybersecurity,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, head of secure communications at CMA Technology, in a press conference held in a room conspicuously devoid of Wi-Fi. “If hackers can’t even connect to your network without hearing that beautiful, screeching handshake, what are they going to do? Send a virus via floppy disk?” Dr. Reed then reportedly struggled for several minutes to connect her presentation laptop to a projector using a VGA cable.

The companies claim this 'security by obscurity and inconvenience' model will appeal to government agencies, financial institutions, and anyone nostalgic for the days of waiting 10 minutes for a single JPEG to load. Rivada spokesperson, Marcus Thorne, added, “Our satellites are state-of-the-art, but the access points are pure vintage. It’s like putting a Ferrari engine in a Model T. Sure, it’s slow, but try hot-wiring that bad boy with a USB stick.”

Critics have raised concerns about the network’s practical applications, pointing out that most modern devices lack a modem port. CMA Technology responded by announcing a new line of 'retro-fit' dongles that are essentially external modems, requiring a separate power source and a dedicated landline. The company also hinted at future plans to integrate fax machine compatibility for 'critical document transmission.'

Industry analysts are now speculating whether the next phase will involve carrier pigeons for last-mile delivery.