Chicago, IL — City Hall today announced the promotion of Kevin Moran, a 35-year veteran of municipal bureaucracy, to Chief Technology Officer, signaling a "back to basics" approach for the city's digital infrastructure. Moran, widely known within city offices for his unwavering commitment to physical filing systems and a deep-seated distrust of anything that requires a power outlet beyond a desktop fan, will now oversee all technological innovation and implementation for the nation's third-largest city. His appointment comes after the previous CTO, an MIT graduate, abruptly resigned last week following an attempt to implement cloud-based storage.

Sources close to the mayor’s office emphasized Moran’s extensive tenure as a primary asset. “Kevin has an unparalleled understanding of how City Hall *really* works, which is to say, slowly and with minimal digital footprint,” explained Deputy Mayor Brenda Jenkins, who reportedly faxed her statement to local news outlets. “In a rapidly evolving tech landscape, what we need isn’t innovation for innovation’s sake, but solid, unchanging infrastructure. Kevin brings that stability. He understands that if a system has worked for twenty years without crashing, it’s probably because nobody’s ever actually turned it on.”

In a brief, unscheduled press conference held in a room filled with beige, non-networked computers, Moran outlined his strategic vision. “My philosophy is simple: if it doesn’t involve a paper trail, it didn’t happen,” Moran declared, reportedly adjusting his spectacles while holding up a yellow legal pad. “We’re going to streamline processes by ensuring that every digital request is first printed, signed, stamped, and then physically walked to the relevant department. We need to cut down on these ‘digital footprints’ everyone keeps talking about. Less footprint, less mess.” He then asked a reporter if their "pocket calculator" could store phone numbers.

Tech industry analysts were quick to praise Chicago’s bold strategy. Dr. Evelyn Reed, head of the "Institute for Aspirational Luddism," noted via a rotary phone call that Moran’s appointment positions Chicago as a leader in "pre-emptive cyber-security through technological irrelevance." "Why spend millions on firewalls and threat detection when your critical data is safely locked in a dusty filing cabinet in the sub-basement?" Dr. Reed quipped. "Moran’s plan to replace every city tablet with an Etch-A-Sketch is not only cost-effective but virtually unhackable. It’s genius, if you ignore everything since the invention of electricity."

With Moran now at the helm, city residents can anticipate a future where accessing public services requires a detailed hand-drawn map to City Hall, followed by a minimum three-week waiting period for a stamped, carbon-copy response delivered via bicycle courier.