ST. LOUIS, MO – In a move described by team officials as a “bold, forward-thinking embrace of the future,” the St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly entered the 2024 season with a roster composed almost entirely of players who still have active TikTok accounts and occasionally forget to do their laundry.

Sources close to the organization, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being assigned to the team’s new 'youth engagement' committee, confirmed that the Cardinals’ much-touted 'youth movement' was less a strategic decision and more an accidental oversight during the off-season. “We just kept signing guys who looked like they could still get carded for an R-rated movie,” admitted one executive, polishing a participation trophy. “By the time we realized we didn’t have anyone old enough to remember dial-up internet, it was too late.”

The team’s average age is now reportedly so low that the clubhouse is considering replacing its traditional beer keg with a Capri Sun dispenser. Manager Oliver Marmol, himself a youthful 37, expressed enthusiasm for the new direction. “These kids bring a lot of energy,” Marmol stated, pausing to remind a player not to chew on his batting helmet. “They’re not burdened by years of experience or the concept of a 401k. They just want to play ball and maybe get enough likes on their Instagram post.”

Opposing teams are reportedly thrilled, with one rival manager quipping, “We’re just going to play ‘Baby Shark’ on the stadium speakers and see if they all fall asleep.” The Cardinals, however, remain optimistic, believing their fresh-faced squad will revolutionize the game, or at least dramatically increase the sale of Pokémon cards at the stadium gift shop.

The team’s first home game is expected to feature a pre-game nap time for players, followed by juice boxes and a brief lesson on the importance of sharing.