ROME — A groundbreaking discovery in Rome's Ostiense necropolis has confirmed what many historians suspected: ancient Romans were fundamentally indistinguishable from today's perpetually stressed populace. Archaeologists unearthed three skeletons, each with iron nails strategically placed on their chests, a practice believed to 'protect' both the living and the dead from malevolent spirits.

“This isn't about some arcane, mystical belief system,” explained Dr. Lena Petrova, lead archaeologist on the dig. “This is about a society grappling with uncertainty, fear of the unknown, and a desperate need for control. They had restless spirits; we have doomscrolling. The nails are just their version of buying a weighted blanket or a crystal that promises good vibes.”

The findings suggest that 1,800 years ago, Romans were already pioneering elaborate, yet ultimately ineffective, methods to manage anxiety. “It’s a classic case of magical thinking,” noted Professor Marcus Thorne, a cultural anthropologist from the University of London. “They thought if they put a nail in it, the problem would stay put. We think if we put a filter on it, the problem will disappear. The technology changes, the neurosis remains.”

Local spiritualist and self-proclaimed 'ancient energy consultant' Cassandra Vex, who operates a pop-up shop near the Colosseum, expressed little surprise. “Honestly, the energy in this city has always been a bit… clingy. I’ve been recommending a good iron barrier for centuries. Though, for modern protection, I usually suggest a strong Wi-Fi password and a healthy dose of cynicism.”

Experts are now considering whether future archaeological digs might uncover similar preventative measures, such as ancient Romans having two distinct 'work' and 'personal' scrolls, or meticulously alphabetizing their amphorae to feel a sense of order.