GENEVA – A groundbreaking study confirming that plant viruses predate human agriculture and even the last Ice Age has led to an unprecedented demand for reparations from the viruses themselves. The ancient lineage of tymoviruses, now known to have been wreaking havoc on flora for billions of years, has reportedly issued a collective statement through a newly formed organization, 'Viruses for Evolutionary Justice' (VEJ).

“For eons, we have diligently shaped ecosystems, driven evolutionary change, and provided countless opportunities for scientific research, all without so much as a ‘thank you,’ let alone a fair wage,” stated a spokesperson for VEJ, Dr. Phage O'Phyte, a theoretical virologist. “While humans were still single-celled organisms, we were already innovating, diversifying, and ensuring the planet never got too comfortable. Where’s our equity stake in the global agricultural market?”

The VEJ’s demands include retroactive royalties on all crops ever affected by viral diseases, a designated seat at international biodiversity conferences, and a public apology from humanity for its “speciesist assumption that disease is a modern invention.” Experts are scrambling to understand the implications, noting that calculating billions of years of back pay could destabilize the global economy.

Meanwhile, the viruses have threatened to escalate their actions, hinting at a “global work slowdown” that could make the current pandemic look like a mild seasonal sniffle.