American Consumers Told to Simply Remember How Good Beans Are

Washington D.C. — As ground beef prices surge 20% year-over-year and the national cattle herd dwindles to 1950s levels, leading agricultural economists and meatpacking executives have offered a simple solution to cash-strapped Americans: stop eating so much beef. The advice, which some are calling "revolutionary common sense," comes amidst drought, parasite outbreaks, and looming trade deadlines for NAFTA 2.0.

"We view this less as a 'crisis' and more as a 'market-driven dietary recalibration'," stated Dr. Elara Vance, chief protein strategist at the Institute for Aspirational Alimentary Futures, during a press briefing held next to a large, empty freezer display. "For too long, the average American has taken the abundance of cheap ground beef for granted. Now, faced with genuine economic incentives, they have an opportunity to explore the rich tapestry of legumes, fungi, and various starches available."

The burgeoning beef shortage, exacerbated by former President Trump’s threat to reimpose tariffs on Canadian and Mexican imports should USMCA trade talks falter by July 1, is merely accelerating a necessary shift, according to industry insiders. "Frankly, it's about time," remarked J. Montgomery 'Monty' Beefington III, CEO of MegaMeatCorp, while polishing a solid-gold branding iron. "My cows cost more to raise, my feed costs more, and frankly, my private jet fuel costs more. If consumers want sustainable protein, they need to pay a sustainable price. Or, you know, just buy lentils. They’re very versatile."

Beefington noted that the environmental benefits of reduced meat consumption are an "unexpected bonus" for consumers now forced into more plant-based diets. "It's a win-win," he added. "You save money, you help the planet, and frankly, you probably reduce your cholesterol. We're providing a public service, really, by making meat unaffordable to the majority."

While some consumer advocates have decried the advice as tone-deaf and elitist, the message from the meat industry is clear: adapt or go hungry. The market, they insist, knows best.

The nation’s struggling middle class is now reportedly Googling "how to make beans taste like steak" at an unprecedented rate, while top-tier steakhouses continue to charge $70 for a single ribeye without a hint of irony.