WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security announced new visa requirements today, mandating that all applicants sign an affidavit acknowledging that any information disseminated by the U.S. government, its allies, or approved domestic entities is inherently truthful and beneficial. The move comes as a new lawsuit alleges the administration is weaponizing immigration policy to suppress research into disinformation.

Under the updated guidelines, foreign researchers, academics, and even tourists will be required to attest that they will not engage in activities that 'undermine public confidence in established narratives' or 'promote divisive concepts like 'nuance' or 'critical analysis.'' A DHS spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being labeled a 'thought criminal,' stated, 'We're just simplifying the process. Why let people in who are going to waste their time thinking things we don't want them to think? It’s inefficient.'

Critics argue the policy is a thinly veiled attempt to stifle dissent and control the flow of information. Dr. Evelyn Reed, a professor of international law at a university that will likely lose its funding soon, commented, 'This isn't about national security; it's about narrative security. They want to ensure that anyone entering the country is pre-vetted for ideological compliance, turning our borders into an intellectual customs checkpoint.'

The administration maintains the policy is merely an 'enhancement of national discourse integrity,' ensuring that only 'constructive contributors' are welcomed. Future plans reportedly include a mandatory 'Patriotism IQ' test and a loyalty oath to the concept of 'alternative facts.'