LOS ANGELES – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today a groundbreaking new initiative to ensure that the Oscars are truly “everyone’s win,” confirming that all films and individuals nominated will now receive a specially designed participation trophy. The move comes after years of criticism regarding the competitive nature of the awards, which some argue fosters an unhealthy environment of winners and, more distressingly, losers.

“We heard the feedback loud and clear: not everyone can be a winner, and frankly, that’s just not fair,” stated Academy President Janet Witherbottom in a press conference held entirely on a soundstage designed to look like a child’s birthday party. “From now on, whether you’re nominated for Best Picture or Best Catering Van Driver Who Once Saw a Director, you’re getting a little golden man. It’s about the journey, not the destination, and certainly not about who made a better movie.”

Industry insiders lauded the decision as a crucial step towards making Hollywood a safer space for creative expression, free from the harsh judgment of critics or, more terrifyingly, audiences. “For too long, the Oscars have been about celebrating excellence,” commented veteran studio executive Barry Goldfarb, polishing a miniature Oscar already affixed to his lapel. “But what about the films that just tried their best? The ones that showed up? This is a win for mediocrity, and frankly, that’s where most of our content lives.”

Sources close to the Academy suggest the new policy was inspired by a recent children’s soccer league awards ceremony, where every child received a trophy for simply showing up. The Academy hopes this will encourage even more films to be made, regardless of whether anyone actually wants to watch them.