The News, Remastered

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#texas rangers

Satirical news articles and humorous content about the Texas Rangers baseball team, with aggregated parody and comedy on the MLB team's stories

Rangers Sign New Five-Year, $325 Million Contract for Seager's Back
Front Office Believes the Recurring Spasms Offer "Invaluable Data Points" for Optimizing Player Acquisition and Strategic Non-Play.
An Open Letter to the Impingement in Chris Martin's Shoulder
A desperate plea to a microscopic menace that has once again gripped the Texas Rangers' bullpen.
Rangers confirm 'injured list' is just scheduled rotation for player synergy
The club stated the move allows for "optimal talent rotation" and "individualized performance enhancement cycles."
Rangers' bullpen now 85% comprised of human replacement parts
The team confirmed its rotational churn is a critical part of its "sustainable biomass management" strategy.
Rangers Assure Fans 2023 World Series Win Was a Temporary Anomaly
The Organization Says It Is Committed to Re-Establishing the Foundational Rhythm of Season-Long Disappointment.

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