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ScienceOfficials Commend Aggressive Deforestation, Ocean Dumping, and Carbon Output for Delivering Record Profits and Unlocking New 'Unspoiled' Territories for Development.
FinanceGlobal Funds Flock to Brazil, Citing "Uninterrupted Resource Extraction Potential" and "Efficient Protest Suppression."
CorporateThe €600 Million Acquisition Solidifies Private Sector Control Over 98% of Earth's Aquatic Domain, Leaving Only Puddle-Sized Unclaimed Territories.
TechInvestors Celebrate Ability to Pinpoint Every Last Drop of Oil and Shard of Rare Earth Metal Without Pesky Geological Guesswork.
ScienceThe Revolutionary Microorganism, Which Can Generate Biofuel, Reduce Methane, and Extract Rare Earth Metals, Will Now Exclusively Optimize Shareholder Value.
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