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SportsThe 250th Anniversary of the United States Will Now Be Marked by Individual Schools Voting for Their Top Five Girls' Sports Athletes, Guaranteeing a Future of Unprecedented Civic Harmony.
WeirdJohn Bourgeois Insists Patriotic Citizens Are Legally Obligated to Set up Folding Chairs for His Concert.
PoliticsThe Thrifty, Low-Risk Approach Prevents Any Further National Disunity.
CorporateEvent Planners Laud Explosives for Perfectly Capturing Modern American Harmony.
CultureAs Nation Splinters, Scholars Identify ‘eat It’ as the Only Remaining Common Ground.
TrendsThe New Curriculum Aims to Equip Students with Revolutionary Techniques Like "Active Listening" and "Avoiding Direct Insults."
PoliticsThe Sudden Consensus over a Single Animal Cruelty Case Has Brought All Other Critical Issues to an Immediate Halt, Proving What Truly Unites America.
CultureOfficial Plan Leverages Classic Rock and Jazz Fusion to Bridge Intractable Divides and Stabilize Democracy.
PoliticsNew Initiative Aims to Foster National Unity by Explicitly Focusing on Citizens Who Have Already Demonstrated an Innate Capacity for Belonging.
SportsNew Directive Mandates Active Viewership and 'Informed' Wagering, Citing National Unity and Economic Stimulus as Core Objectives.
