WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Vans Warped Tour, a cultural touchstone for anyone who ever dyed their hair an unnatural color, yesterday unveiled its 2024 lineup, confirming suspicions that the event is now exclusively curated for individuals who still use a flip phone as their primary communication device.

Headlining acts like Coheed and Cambria, Jimmy Eat World, and Rise Against are set to perform, prompting many to check their calendars to ensure it wasn't, in fact, 2003. Festival organizers stated the decision was a deliberate strategy to provide a 'safe space' for attendees whose musical tastes and technological habits have remained delightfully stagnant since the invention of MySpace.

“We understand that the world has moved on, but frankly, our audience hasn’t,” explained festival spokesperson, Brenda 'Blink' Peterson, who still wears a studded belt and claims her AIM away message is 'brb, listening to Taking Back Sunday.' “These are the people who still have a dedicated iPod Shuffle, know all the lyrics to 'Sugar, We’re Goin Down,' and genuinely believe that texting on a T9 keypad is peak efficiency. We're just giving them what they want: a brief, glorious return to their glory days before smartphones ruined everything.”

Attendees are encouraged to bring their disposable cameras, wear their favorite band t-shirts from 2007, and prepare for a day free from the anxieties of push notifications or the existential dread of TikTok. Organizers also hinted at a special 'Bring Your Own CD Binder' swap meet.

The festival is expected to conclude before anyone has to explain what a 'finsta' is to a confused attendee.