SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Health authorities across Utah are expressing profound bewilderment as a highly contagious disease, measles, continues its apparently inexplicable spread from rural areas into the state’s urban centers. Despite centuries of established medical understanding regarding pathogen transmission, officials report being caught off guard by the illness's seemingly unprecedented ability to move between individuals who share airspace.
“We are carefully monitoring the situation, and honestly, the sheer audacity of this virus to simply… spread… is quite vexing,” stated Dr. Meredith Finch, interim director of the state’s Department of Public Wellness, at a press briefing. “Our preliminary findings suggest that proximity plays a significant role, which is a novel and somewhat inconvenient discovery for a society that values close-knit communities and optional preventative measures.” Dr. Finch highlighted ongoing research into whether measles, despite all prior evidence, might be somehow circumventing personal freedom energy fields.
The outbreak, which began in June, has since defied numerous unproven theories about how preventable diseases might spontaneously self-resolve within populations with suboptimal immunity levels. Experts from the newly formed ‘Unforeseen Contagion Response Team’ noted that the disease appears particularly fond of individuals who have not received the widely available Measles, Mumps, and Rubella (MMR) vaccine. “It’s almost as if denying the existence of a widely accepted scientific mechanism doesn’t actually make that mechanism go away,” remarked Professor Miles Corbin, Chair of Applied Obviousness at Brigham Young University, in an email that simply read ‘Seriously?’
Local civic leaders are now advising residents to take “personal accountability” for their exposure to reality. Some urban parents, previously secure in the belief that their personal research negated collective public health, are reportedly exploring new “organic immunity pathways” that involve a controlled, or more often uncontrolled, exposure to the circulating virus. This approach has led to a spike in calls to local pediatricians, many of whom are now offering a new “’I told you so’ and subsequent treatment” package.
In response to the escalating mystery, state lawmakers are reportedly drafting legislation to politely ask airborne pathogens to respect individual sovereignty and possibly provide a 24-hour notice before invading a host.
The hardest hit areas are now considering implementing a mandatory 2-meter “thinking distance” between residents, allowing people sufficient mental space to process the radical concept of germ theory.
