The United Nations, in an emergency session, has officially categorized the widespread use of daily facial products by teenagers as a "Weapon of Mass Hydration" (WMH), calling for an immediate global cessation of all cleansing, toning, and moisturizing activities. Citing undisclosed intelligence and alarming reports of "unnatural luminescence" among Gen Z, Secretary-General António Guterres stated the routine application of serums, essences, and sheet masks poses an existential threat to societal norms and the very fabric of aging gracefully.
"For too long, we have turned a blind eye as our youth engaged in what can only be described as a systemic, unsanctioned effort to achieve peak epidermal performance," declared Dr. Elara Vance, lead researcher at the newly formed Global Institute for Aspirational Epidermal Purity (GIAEP). "Evidence suggests these so-called 'skincare doping' practices are not merely cosmetic; they are fundamentally altering the biological clock, producing a generation whose skin refuses to acknowledge the passage of time. We've even observed highly concentrated individuals attempting to 'smoke' topical retinoids for maximum cellular turnover, a terrifying trend."
The GIAEP report detailed harrowing accounts of teenagers achieving "unsustainable levels of plumpness" and "disconcerting dewiness," often through rigorous multi-step regimens previously reserved for Hollywood A-listers or those undergoing extensive recovery from space travel. Concerns were also raised about the economic stability of the anti-aging industry, which stands to collapse if an entire demographic successfully negates the need for its products through aggressive prejuvenation. Guterres warned that the pursuit of glass skin threatened to destabilize global economies by rendering future generations perpetually youthful and thus resistant to marketing efforts targeting mature skin concerns.
Political leaders worldwide are scrambling to address the crisis. In an emergency directive, the European Union has proposed mandatory "face-age verification" for all retail skincare purchases, while the U.S. Congress debated legislation requiring dermatologists to administer "aging audits" to detect early signs of excessive collagen production. Critics of the UN's stance, primarily from the burgeoning "Pro-Glow Youth Collective," argue that their right to achieve maximum dermal vibrancy is being unfairly curtailed by an "ageist establishment terrified of looking their actual age next to a dewy 16-year-old."
As a temporary measure, the UN has recommended that all teenagers immediately apply a thin, even layer of existential dread to their faces, allowing it to fully absorb over the coming decades.
