WASHINGTON D.C. — The Electronic Security Association (ESA) has unveiled its latest initiative to address the tech industry’s persistent gender disparity: a scholarship program that provides women with the unique opportunity to perform extra academic work. The 'Empowering Women in Technology Scholarship' aims to 'foster the next generation of female leaders' by adding more items to their already demanding plates.

“We believe the best way to empower women in tech is to give them more things to do,” stated Dr. Brenda Vance, head of the ESA’s newly formed Department of Performative Inclusivity. “While their male counterparts are busy innovating, these scholarship recipients will be diligently filling out forms, attending networking events, and writing thank-you notes, all crucial skills for navigating a male-dominated field.”

Critics, however, suggest the scholarship might be missing the forest for the trees. “It’s a bit like giving someone a slightly better pair of shoes to run a race where everyone else has a head start and a jetpack,” commented Dr. Alistair Finch, a sociologist specializing in corporate optics. “The problem isn’t a lack of women wanting to do more; it’s a lack of structural support and equitable pathways.”

An anonymous male senior executive at a major tech firm, who wished to remain unnamed while enjoying his company-sponsored golf outing, added, “Look, we’re doing our part. We’re giving them a chance to prove they can handle the extra workload. If they can’t, well, that’s on them, isn’t it?”

The ESA confirmed that the scholarship does not include provisions for addressing pay gaps, promotion biases, or the casual dismissal of female expertise in meetings, stating those issues are “beyond the scope of this particular empowerment initiative.”