HOLLYWOOD — Jason Sudeikis will return to voice Red in the upcoming "Angry Birds Movie 3," a decision industry insiders confirm was reached after the actor consulted his mortgage statements and the projected cost of his children's future elite university education. The Emmy-winning star, known for his subtle comedic timing and heartwarming roles, reportedly signed on for the third installment of the mobile-game-turned-film franchise with "absolute zero artistic intention," according to a source close to the negotiations who insisted on anonymity to 'maintain some semblance of public illusion.'
"Look, I'm not an idiot," Sudeikis allegedly told his agent, who then relayed the sentiment to Hambry. "I've got bills. Big bills. And 'Angry Birds 3' offers a frankly embarrassing amount of money for what amounts to a week of yelling into a microphone while wearing pajamas. It's not 'Ted Lasso,' okay? It's 'angry bird makes loud noises.' My kids are going to Ivy League schools; those tuition fees don't pay themselves with prestige. Frankly, I barely remember what the last one was about, but the check cleared."
Studio executives, meanwhile, framed the decision as a "strategic expansion of beloved IP and a commitment to global fan engagement in key demographic markets." A spokesperson for Columbia Pictures, who asked not to be named while detailing the lucrative deal, added, "We believe audiences are clamoring for more Red. Specifically, the segments of the audience who aren't old enough to know or care what a 'critical reception' is, but whose parents have disposable income and a desperate need for 90 minutes of silence. Our data indicates that even a mediocre animated film linked to a recognized brand performs exceptionally well when paired with licensed merchandise and a Happy Meal toy launch." The spokesperson then reportedly checked their watch, muttering something about "leveraging existing brand equity for Q3 projections."
This latest cinematic endeavor follows the pattern of modern Hollywood, where any recognizable intellectual property, no matter how tenuous its narrative potential, is deemed ripe for indefinite exploitation. "Why stop at three?" pondered noted film critic Dr. Evelyn Thorne of the Institute for Exhaustive Franchise Studies. "Eventually, 'Angry Birds' will just be Sudeikis narrating his grocery list over stock footage of a bird. And it will still make $100 million opening weekend, because parents are exhausted and children are easily distracted by bright colors and loud noises. It's the perfect capitalist synergy."
The film is set to release during the highly competitive summer slot, promising to deliver more of the same high-octane bird-slinging action that has captivated millions of toddlers and babysitters worldwide. Sudeikis, when reached for comment while reportedly vacationing on a yacht purchased entirely with 'Angry Birds' residuals, responded with a single word: "Cha-ching."
