WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. State Department today unveiled its latest travel advisory tier, 'Extreme Tourism,' specifically tailored for nations like Afghanistan, where American citizens frequently find themselves unexpectedly detained for extended periods. The new category, which sits above 'Do Not Travel,' advises against all non-essential and essential travel, as well as any travel that involves breathing or existing in the country.

“We’ve noticed a disturbing trend,” stated State Department spokesperson Brenda Albright, during a press briefing where she unveiled a new, more aggressive red on the travel map. “Despite our clear and repeated warnings, some Americans continue to view certain regions as prime destinations for… well, we’re not entirely sure what. Cultural immersion? Extreme spelunking? Whatever it is, it often ends with us having to send a highly specialized team to negotiate their release.”

The announcement follows the recent liberation of an American citizen who had been held in Afghanistan for over a year. Sources close to the negotiations indicated the individual was reportedly “just trying to find a good spot for a selfie” when they were apprehended. The State Department clarified that 'Extreme Tourism' is not a challenge, but a genuine plea.

“Look, if you’re going to a country where our primary diplomatic activity is prisoner exchanges, maybe reconsider your itinerary,” Albright added, adjusting her glasses. “We love our citizens, but the constant 'Oops, I got detained' calls are really impacting our quarterly budget for artisanal coffee.”

Future 'Extreme Tourism' zones are expected to include any country where the local government communicates primarily through heavily armed individuals who do not accept credit cards. The State Department is also considering a mandatory pre-trip IQ test for certain destinations.