LOS ANGELES – Law enforcement officials investigating a recent shooting incident at pop icon Rihanna's residence expressed profound disappointment today, noting the alleged perpetrator missed a crucial opportunity to engage in direct-to-consumer marketing. The suspect, identified as 37-year-old Melinda 'Mindy' Krupke, reportedly fired several rounds at the property but neglected to offer any goods or services, a lapse described as 'inexcusable' by security experts.

“You’re already there, you’ve got their attention, and frankly, the element of surprise is on your side,” remarked former celebrity bodyguard, Rex 'The Enforcer' Magnum. “A quick pitch for a multi-level marketing scheme, a new crypto coin, or even just some artisanal soaps – that’s just good business. It’s practically a captive audience.” Magnum added that most high-profile security teams are trained to identify potential sales opportunities during high-stress encounters.

Sources close to the investigation confirmed that Ms. Krupke's unearthed social media posts contained no links to e-commerce sites, affiliate marketing codes, or even a casual mention of her side hustle. “It’s almost as if she wasn’t even trying to monetize the engagement,” stated Detective Fiona Chen, shaking her head. “A truly wasted moment for personal branding.”

The incident has reportedly prompted a review of celebrity security protocols, with some agencies now considering mandatory 'upselling' training for all potential intruders.