AMARILLO, TX — The Amarillo Public Library announced Tuesday a significant expansion of its acclaimed 'Library of Things' program, which will now include a circulating catalog of essential but increasingly scarce societal intangibles. Patrons can now check out items such as 'Common Sense,' 'Functional Social Skills,' and 'A Basic Understanding of How Things Work' for a standard three-week loan period.
Library Director Brenda Hayes stated the move was a direct response to evolving community needs. “While we still offer books, it became increasingly clear that our patrons were arriving with fundamental deficits that no amount of literary exposure could rectify,” Hayes explained in a press conference that required multiple interruptions to clarify that a microphone was, in fact, turned on. “We saw the data. People weren’t just asking for power drills or cake pans anymore; they were asking for the basic cognitive tools to navigate a grocery store without collapsing into existential despair.”
The new 'intangible' collection includes a diverse range of items designed to foster civic participation and personal efficacy. 'Shared Empathy' is a high-demand item with a waiting list stretching into late 2026, while 'The Ability to Formulate a Coherent Argument Without Resorting to Ad Hominem Attacks' is available for expedited checkout, primarily by local elected officials. Each intangible item comes with a brief instructional pamphlet, which, according to officials, remains largely unread. “We’ve categorized them by perceived urgency,” noted Dr. Eleanor Vance, Head of Intangible Asset Management. “'Why My Opinion Isn't Fact' is currently a 'New Arrival,' and 'How to Not Take Everything So Personally' is 2.”
Circulation of these new items is managed through a proprietary blockchain-backed honor system, which library officials admit has a 78% failure rate for items requiring a 'sense of personal responsibility.' Late fees for 'Critical Thinking Skills' will be levied in the form of mandatory attendance at local zoning board meetings. The library is also exploring a 'Rent-to-Own' model for 'Patience in Traffic,' citing its critical role in daily life.
Funding for the initiative reportedly came from a grant titled 'Bridging the Chasm of Contemporary Human Incapacity.' Future plans include a 'Library of Emotions,' where patrons can check out 'Genuine Joy' or 'A Moment of Quiet Contemplation' before attempting to engage with online discourse.
Officials confirmed that 'A Well-Adjusted Sense of Self-Worth' has already been designated as a 'rare and non-circulating item,' available only for in-library reference.
