NEW YORK, NY – The New York Times, long a bastion of investigative journalism and Pulitzer-winning prose, has announced a significant expansion of its 'How To Watch' content, promising to cover literally everything from major sporting events to the subtle art of blinking.

The move comes after the unexpected success of recent articles detailing where to stream various hockey games, leading editors to believe readers are desperate for step-by-step instructions on how to simply *exist*.

“We realized there’s a vast untapped market of people who, frankly, aren’t sure how to, say, open a door, or process the concept of Tuesday,” stated Editor-in-Chief Eleanor Vance, during a press conference where she demonstrated how to properly hold a microphone. “Our new initiative, 'Life, Explained,' will provide comprehensive guides. For instance, 'How to Watch Your Coffee Brew' will feature interactive graphics and expert commentary on the subtle nuances of boiling water.”

Future articles reportedly include 'How to Watch a Sunset (And Why You Should Care),' 'How to Watch Your Own Thoughts (A Beginner's Guide to Introspection),' and a multi-part series titled 'How to Watch the Clock (Without Panicking About the Passage of Time).'

Critics, however, question whether the Times is overestimating the public's need for such granular guidance. “Soon they’ll be telling us how to watch our own breathing,” quipped media analyst Dr. Julian Thorne. “At what point does 'informing the public' become 'insulting their intelligence'?”

The Times remains undeterred, with Vance concluding, “We believe our readers deserve the highest quality instruction on how to observe literally anything, up to and including the slow, inevitable march of time towards their own mortality.”