NEW YORK — Mayor Eric Adams' office today launched a furious broadside against "A Capybara in New York," a forthcoming children's book by acclaimed author Gary Shteyngart, calling its plot "a malicious and entirely fictional smear campaign." The novel, detailing a capybara family's struggles against a "corrupt mayor with a vendetta against grass-eating rodents," has apparently hit too close to home.
"To suggest that our Mayor, a man who has dedicated his life to serving *all* New Yorkers—even those who don't contribute to the city's tax base or regularly swipe a MetroCard—harbors some cartoonishly evil grudge against large, semi-aquatic herbivores is ludicrous," fumed Delia Hernandez, City Hall's press secretary, during a hastily convened press conference held entirely on an asphalt parking lot. "This isn't just bad fiction; it's species-based defamation. Next, they'll be claiming he hates squirrels who stash nuts in public parks."
Hernandez elaborated that the administration's "bold urban revitalization initiatives" sometimes required "difficult conversations" with flora and fauna. "If a rodent's grazing habits conflict with a multi-billion dollar luxury high-rise development, frankly, the rodent needs to explore other options," she stated, emphasizing the word "options" with a pointed stare at a nearby pigeon. "We encourage all residents, regardless of genus or species, to adapt to the realities of a vibrant, economically competitive metropolis. That means fewer dandelions, more artisanal coffee shops."
The author, Shteyngart, issued a statement through his publisher, reiterating that "A Capybara in New York is a work of fiction, purely imaginative, and any resemblance to actual mayors, living or cartoon, is entirely coincidental." However, Dr. Alistair Finch, a senior researcher at the Institute for Aspirational Proximity Studies, remarked that "children's literature has historically served as a surprisingly reliable mirror for adult anxieties. If a mayor's office reacts this strongly to a book about a giant hamster, it suggests the book might be onto something bigger than just a few blades of grass."
Sources within the mayor's office, speaking on condition of absolute anonymity, confirmed the internal outrage was "off the charts." "He's genuinely convinced the author has a mole in the Department of Sanitation," one aide whispered, "or that the capybaras themselves are unionizing. He keeps asking if they've filed for a permit to chew municipal landscaping." The book, which features black-and-white illustrations of the capybara protagonist looking increasingly bewildered by urban sprawl, is set for release next spring.
Many observers are now calling for "A Capybara in New York" to be mandatory reading for every adult voter, because sometimes, it takes a children's book to explain exactly what's going on.
