PALO ALTO, CA – A groundbreaking new study published by the Institute for Digital Archaeology has officially declared anyone who can identify app icons from just five years ago to be “functionally ancient,” rendering them incapable of navigating contemporary digital landscapes. The research, which involved observing subjects attempting to use apps that have undergone even minor visual refreshes, concluded that a critical mass of digital nostalgia has rendered an entire generation effectively tech-illiterate.

“We’re seeing a rapid onset of what we’re calling ‘Icon Amnesia’ among individuals who recall the pre-flat design era,” stated lead researcher Dr. Elara Vance. “Their brains are simply unable to process the subtle gradients and minimalist aesthetics of today’s applications. It’s like asking someone who grew up with a rotary phone to intuitively use a smartphone – the muscle memory is just not there for the current generation of 30-somethings.”

The study found participants frequently mistook the current TikTok logo for a forgotten banking app and believed the modern Spotify icon was a government surveillance tool. Many reportedly attempted to “rewind” their TikTok feeds by physically spinning their phones counter-clockwise.

“It’s a tragic, yet inevitable, consequence of accelerated technological evolution,” Dr. Vance added. “We’re now recommending that anyone who remembers the original Instagram camera icon be immediately enrolled in a basic ‘How To Swipe Up’ course, or at least be given a flip phone for their own safety.”

Experts predict that within the next decade, remembering the original Twitter bird will be grounds for mandatory digital retirement.