LEXINGTON, KY – A groundbreaking report released today indicates that the average American sports fan is experiencing a severe, measurable decline in cognitive function directly attributable to the Sisyphean task of locating specific games across an ever-expanding digital landscape. Researchers from the Institute for Media Consumption and Existential Dread (IMCED) found that the mental energy expended trying to determine 'what channel' or 'which app' a particular sporting event is on is comparable to solving advanced calculus problems while simultaneously fending off a swarm of bees.

“We observed subjects repeatedly muttering phrases like ‘Is it ESPN2? No, ESPN+? Wait, is that different?’ and then staring blankly at their remotes for extended periods,” explained Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead researcher for the study. “The sheer mental load of remembering login credentials, navigating unintuitive interfaces, and deciphering regional blackout rules appears to be eroding their ability to recall simple facts, such as their own names or the current score of the game they’re trying to watch.”

The study, which focused heavily on fans of high-stakes collegiate basketball, noted particular distress during tournament season. “One subject spent 45 minutes trying to find the Kentucky-Florida game, only to realize his subscription to ‘SEC Network+’ didn’t include ‘SEC Network Alternate+ Premium Tier 3’ which was, of course, where the game was actually airing,” Dr. Reed continued. “He then proceeded to try and open his garage door with his TV remote.”

Industry analysts suggest the problem will only worsen as media companies continue to fragment content distribution, forcing fans to subscribe to an ever-growing constellation of services. Experts now recommend that fans simply assume they will miss the first quarter of any major sporting event as a standard operating procedure.