WASHINGTON D.C. — After years of hushed speculation and cautious prodding, a consortium of the nation’s leading food scientists and pantry archaeologists has officially confirmed that sun-dried tomatoes are, unequivocally, a form of edible sustenance. The announcement, made at a press conference today, aims to quell widespread public confusion regarding the enigmatic ingredient.

“For too long, these crimson curiosities have languished in the back of cupboards, their true nature a subject of intense debate,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, lead researcher at the Institute for Perishable Goods. “Our exhaustive multi-year study, involving advanced spectral analysis and, eventually, cautious tasting, has concluded they are indeed intended for human consumption, not merely decorative potpourri or a forgotten pagan offering.”

The research also shed light on the perplexing question of spoilage. “It appears that, much like other food items, sun-dried tomatoes can, over time, transition from an edible state to one that is less so,” explained Dr. Reed, gesturing to a chart depicting various stages of tomato decay. “We’re still working on the exact timeline, but current projections suggest it’s longer than a banana, shorter than a Twinkie.”

Consumers are advised to store their sun-dried tomatoes in a cool, dry place, and to consult their own judgment regarding consumption. The institute plans to next tackle the existential dread inspired by capers.