WASHINGTON D.C. — In a desperate bid to reverse declining attendance, the National Association of Cinematic Exhibition (NACE) today announced a sweeping new initiative designed to ensure every American fulfills their civic duty of watching at least one film in a darkened room with strangers annually. The program, dubbed 'Mandatory Fun: Your Seat Awaits,' comes on the heels of a new study revealing only half of the population bothered to visit a theater in 2025.

Under the new guidelines, NACE proposes a 'Cinema Credit' system, where employers and schools would offer incentives for documented movie attendance. Non-compliance, according to a leaked internal memo, could lead to 'social re-integration counseling' for individuals deemed 'cinematically disengaged.'

“We understand that people have developed alternative viewing habits, like staring blankly at their phones or engaging in meaningful human interaction,” stated NACE spokesperson Brenda Flicker. “But the magic of the big screen, the sticky floors, the communal coughs – these are cornerstones of American culture. We simply cannot allow personal preference to undermine this vital industry.”

Critics of the plan, primarily composed of people who own comfortable couches, argue it’s an overreach. “I haven’t been to a movie theater since 2018, and frankly, my life is better for it,” commented local recluse, Gerald Finch. “Do they really think forcing me to watch a superhero movie will make me love it?”

NACE representatives remain optimistic, citing early success with a pilot program in Topeka, Kansas, where residents were offered free popcorn in exchange for a 90-minute viewing of a PowerPoint presentation on the history of aspect ratios. The organization is also exploring partnerships with local governments to designate 'Cinema Zones' where streaming services will be temporarily throttled to encourage outdoor activity, specifically walking to a theater.

The initiative is expected to roll out nationwide by late 2026, or whenever the last remaining Blockbuster Video finally closes its doors, whichever comes first.