MENLO PARK, CA — In a bold new initiative to remind the world that Facebook is, in fact, still a thing, Meta Platforms Inc. has announced a program offering up to $9,000 to creators willing to post content on its original platform. Industry analysts suggest the move is less about fostering new talent and more about a desperate attempt to prove the app isn't just for sharing grainy photos of your aunt's cat or arguing with people you went to high school with.

Sources close to the program, unofficially dubbed 'Operation: Remember Us?', indicate that qualifying creators must demonstrate a verifiable ability to log into Facebook without assistance and, ideally, recall its primary function. “We’re not asking for much,” stated Meta spokesperson Brenda Jenkins, adjusting her virtual reality headset. “Just a few posts a week. Maybe a live stream. Anything to make it look like there’s still human activity beyond Marketplace scams and event invites for things that happened three years ago.”

The three-month incentive aims to lure creators away from more popular platforms like Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok, where, ironically, many of them are already posting content about how to avoid Facebook. The program’s fine print reportedly includes a clause requiring creators to act genuinely surprised and delighted by Facebook’s features, even if those features haven't been updated since 2016.

One anonymous creator, 'Digital_Dude420', who primarily posts short-form videos of himself reacting to other short-form videos, expressed cautious optimism. “Nine grand is nine grand, I guess. I just hope my followers don’t think I’ve been hacked, or worse, that I’ve finally given up on life.”

Meta executives are reportedly already planning a follow-up initiative to pay users to actually *watch* the content.