WASHINGTON D.C. — In a bold move to preserve the sanctity of the nation’s burgeoning sports betting industry, congressional leaders are reportedly drafting legislation to explicitly exclude traditional sports wagering from the nascent prediction market sector. The news sent stocks for major gambling operators like DraftKings and Flutter soaring, as investors celebrated the government’s commitment to keeping their particular flavor of risk-taking pure.

“We simply cannot allow the wild, unregulated chaos of predicting future events to sully the pristine, meticulously regulated chaos of betting on whether a man can throw a ball through a hoop,” stated Senator Mildred “Milly” Davenport (R-NV), chair of the newly formed Subcommittee on Gambling Purity. “Our constituents demand a clear distinction between speculating on the outcome of a presidential election and speculating on the outcome of a football game. One is a serious financial endeavor, the other… well, they’re both serious financial endeavors, but different ones.”

Industry analysts praised the proactive stance. “This is a crucial step in maintaining market confidence,” explained Dr. Ethan Thorne, a senior fellow at the Center for Advanced Speculation. “If people start thinking they can bet on *anything*, where does it end? We need guardrails. We need to ensure that when someone loses their life savings, it’s on a parlay, not on predicting the next interest rate hike. That’s just good governance.”

Sources close to the legislative effort indicate that future bills may also seek to protect fantasy sports from being contaminated by actual sports, and potentially separate online poker from other card games played online. The goal, apparently, is to create a bespoke regulatory framework for every conceivable way to lose money.