BALTIMORE, MD — Cult filmmaker John Waters has issued a definitive statement confirming that actor Matthew Lillard is, against all odds and some public perception, still a fully functional human being. The declaration came ahead of a special screening of Waters' 1994 film 'Serial Mom' at San Francisco's Castro Theatre, where Lillard was a featured performer.

“I know there’s been some confusion, perhaps due to his chameleon-like ability to portray various levels of suburban angst and Scooby-Doo sidekicks,” Waters reportedly told a gathered crowd, adjusting his signature pencil mustache. “But let me assure you, Matthew Lillard is not a CGI construct, nor is he merely a figment of early-2000s teen movie nostalgia. He breathes, he eats, he presumably pays taxes.”

Industry insiders suggest Waters’ unusual intervention may stem from a growing trend of actors becoming so synonymous with specific roles or eras that their continued, independent existence is called into question. “It’s a tough business,” commented veteran talent agent Brenda Finch, who represents several actors whose careers peaked during the rise of Limewire. “One minute you’re the ‘It’ guy, the next you’re being mistaken for a deepfake of yourself. A public endorsement of basic biological function from a director of Waters’ stature can be a real career-saver.”

Lillard himself, reportedly reached via carrier pigeon, expressed gratitude for the clarification. “It’s nice to know someone out there still believes I’m not just a highly sophisticated animatronic,” he stated, adding that he was considering a role that would require him to prove he can still sweat on command.

Waters concluded his remarks by urging audiences to remember that actors, much like directors, are real people with real bills, and occasionally, real feelings, even if they sometimes play characters who murder their neighbors over a parking space.