Following yesterday's election, Human Resources departments across the nation issued urgent morning memos warning employees that heavy exhaling, meaningful eye contact, and aggressive typing may be flagged as unauthorized political commentary.
"We understand that emotions are running high today," read an all-company email sent at 8:01 AM from Global Tech Solutions HR VP Brenda Vance. "However, we must maintain a neutral, productive environment. Sighing while staring at the microwave, audibly muttering 'unbelievable' while reading news tabs, or making subtle, despairing noise while adjusting your standing desk are strictly prohibited under our Civility and Workplace Harmony Guidelines."
workplace experts note that the post-election office has become a minefield of hyper-politicized micro-gestures. Merely bringing a thermos of dark roast coffee to a morning stand-up can be interpreted by colleagues as a coded endorsement of authoritarianism or socialist anarchy, depending on the recipient's personal algorithm.
To mitigate tensions, corporate leaders have outlined approved post-election workplace behaviors. Employees looking to express political sentiment are instructed to use only neutral corporate channels, such as submitting an anonymous suggestion box card or silently working through lunch to hit Q4 metrics.
"If you feel the urge to discuss tax policy, systemic oppression, or the electoral college, we ask that you convert those feelings directly into Jira tickets," Vance explained during an emergency mandatory video town hall. "If you simply must cry, please schedule a 15-minute 'Wellness Block' on your Outlook calendar and do so in the designated lactation room, provided it is not currently occupied by someone weeping about the Senate outcome."
Middle managers report spending the morning carefully auditing employee Slack reactions for signs of partisan bias. The thumbs-up emoji has reportedly been designated safe for all communications, while the 'eyes' emoji is currently under review by legal for potential subversion.
"I tried to ask my coworker Dave if he saw the news this morning, and he just slowly closed his laptop and looked at the ceiling for forty-five seconds," said logistics coordinator Greg Miller. "HR called me twenty minutes later to ask if I was creating a hostile work environment by referencing temporal reality."
For those unable to contain their existential dread, management has offered a compromise: employees may quietly adjust their LinkedIn status to 'Open to Work' without penalty, provided they do not use the corporate Wi-Fi to do so.
