LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, major film studios have officially abandoned the pretense of original storytelling, opting instead to greenlight any project that can be found in a 1980s or 90s television programming guide. Sources close to the decision-makers indicate that the shift is a direct response to market demand for 'things people already know about, but bigger.'

“We used to have these long, drawn-out meetings with writers and directors, talking about ‘narrative arcs’ and ‘character development,’” explained studio head Brenda Carmichael, polishing a framed poster for 'The Fugitive' movie. “Now, I just walk into the room, hold up a copy of TV Guide from 1993, and say, ‘Okay, who wants to adapt *Wings* into a gritty crime drama?’ The results speak for themselves.”

The new strategy, dubbed 'Pre-Familiarity First,' has already yielded a slate of upcoming blockbusters including 'Frasier: The Action Thriller,' 'Murder, She Wrote: Origins,' and a dark, psychological horror reboot of 'Family Matters' starring a CGI Steve Urkel. Critics are already hailing the move as 'economically sound' and 'a bold step towards ensuring no one ever has to think too hard again.'

One executive, who wished to remain anonymous, admitted, “Honestly, it’s less work. And the focus groups just keep asking for more of what they’ve already seen. We’re just giving the people what they want: the comfort of the past, but with a bigger budget and more explosions.”

Industry analysts predict the next phase will involve adapting popular commercial jingles into feature films.