LONDON – In a move hailed by environmental scientists as 'inevitable, given our track record,' a consortium of coastal gull species has reportedly formalized an agreement to significantly accelerate the spread of human-generated plastic pollution across the globe. The multi-year deal, rumored to be worth several discarded fish-and-chip wrappers and an unlimited supply of landfill access, positions the gulls as key ecological disruptors.

“We’ve been doing this for free for decades, frankly,” stated a representative, identified only as ‘Steven,’ a particularly aggressive Herring Gull known for his proficiency in snatching unattended sandwiches. “It’s about time our tireless efforts in waste redistribution were properly recognized. Humans generate it, we spread it. It’s a symbiotic relationship, really.”

Sources close to the negotiations indicate that the gulls were particularly impressed by humanity’s consistent failure to manage its own refuse, describing it as a 'target-rich environment.' The agreement reportedly includes clauses for increased inland migration and specialized training in dropping plastic fragments into pristine waterways and remote nesting sites.

Dr. Eleanor Finch, a leading expert in human-avian co-dependency at the Institute for Unintended Consequences, praised the gulls’ entrepreneurial spirit. “They saw a niche, they exploited it. It’s a classic case of nature abhorring a vacuum, or in this case, a landfill. They’re simply completing the cycle we started.”

The deal is expected to ensure that no corner of the planet remains untouched by the enduring legacy of human consumption, courtesy of our feathered friends.